you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
