dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
