I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
