if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
