Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
