No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
