dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
