dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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