I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
