What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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