Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
