how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
