I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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