I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
