R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
