I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
