Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
