DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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