Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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