Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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