I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
