Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
