Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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