Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
