I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
