I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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