i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
