Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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