does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
