So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
