When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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