The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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