I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
