i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
