My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
