he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
