i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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