Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
