my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
