There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
