from now on my penis is your penis
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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