No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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