While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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