my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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