i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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