the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
