when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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