haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
