I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
