if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
