as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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