My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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