I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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