think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
