I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
