i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
