i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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