girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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