my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
