You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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